Thursday, August 28, 2008
Short List
My campaign advisers have been harassing me. Major donors have been calling and begging me to announce my selection. The pundits have been reduced to speculating about the speculation. But I haven’t made up my mind yet, and I won’t be rushed to make such an important decision. Still, to get all of those people off my back, I am willing to reveal the choices I’ve narrowed it down to. Therefore, my vice presidential picks are:
Morris Hartstein – In 8th grade, Tommy Fremder, Andy Sokolik, Mark Essman and a bunch of the other boys decided they didn’t like me anymore. They even showed me a chart that purported to track my popularity from 5th grade onward, with the line plunging straight down at 8th grade. (I have since harbored suspicions that this chart was not based on any real evidence, but was simply something Fremder made up at lunch. Ketchup stains on the graph paper would seem to back me up.) After that, all of my former friends shunned me. Except for Morris. Morris would have none of it. He’s on the list!
Dan Larkin – My veep needs to be someone I can trust absolutely. Dan was a Toyota mechanic back in the 80s when I used to drive a Tercel wagon. He once did a tune-up and told me that he didn’t charge me for new spark plug wires because my old ones were still in good shape. How would I have known? If he had told me that I needed new wires, I would’ve believed him, and gladly paid the extra money. God forbid something should happen to me while I’m in office, but if it does, isn’t Dan the kind of honest broker America wants?
Lupita Marie Gorilla-Lips Velvet-Snout Malley – At the top of my wish list for the qualities I want in a vice president is loyalty. Next comes courage, followed closely by an unflaggingly positive attitude, tenaciousness in the face of a challenge, above-average intelligence, a great judge of character and, finally, an unrelenting hatred for the squirrels that infest our backyards and threaten our very way of life. That’s why my beloved dog, Lupita, belongs on the list.
Karen Terrell – I don’t know why, I just get a good vibe from Karen.
Gay Spencer – Look, you know Gay won’t be the final pick; I know Gay won’t be the final pick. But Gay’s my boss and if I don’t give her the impression that she’s in the running, my post-presidential employment opportunities are shot to hell. Just play along.
Ronnie Church – You want to talk about mentorship; about maturity and sound judgment; about fairness, probity and pragmatism; about a cool head in a hot situation. Well, you sure as hell don’t want to talk about Ronnie, but if you want to talk about a crazy badass who’ll give as good as he gets when the fists start to fly, Ronnie’s your man. And possibly mine.
Phillip Garcia – Holds a rather significant poker IOU from me, and if we can’t work something else out, it may well have to be Phil.
Susan DeVecchio – On paper, Ms. DeVecchio has perhaps the strongest credentials of any of my picks. She’s a distinguished and successful attorney who has served several terms in our state legislature. She also dumped me six months into our engagement, because, according to her, I was selfish and petty. Oh, really? Would a selfish and petty man consider a woman who broke his heart for the second highest office in the land? That would seem to show that someone WASN’T selfish and petty. So if I’m not selfish and petty, who is, Sue? Huh? Who?
Sen. Joseph Lieberman – Just kidding!
Jimmy Holloway – This is a provisional choice: Jimmy and I got really loaded a few weeks ago, and, in a moment of unguarded sentimentality, I promised him the veep spot. But provided he’s forgotten the whole thing, we can scratch him off. One problem drinker in my administration is enough.
So, there you have it. I’ll be huddling with my advisers in the coming weeks to vet these picks and make my final selection. I’m not willing to reveal whether I have any favorites, and, if so, who they are. But I will go so far as to say that I think America is ready to accept a female vice president, regardless of the color of her fur.