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Saturday, 12-15-07

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Sunday, 12-2-07

BEZOAR, IA – Doctors here mistakenly removed a man’s lung believing it to be a three-pound cyst. <br /> The man had complained about discomfort behind his rib cage. His primary care physician referred him to a surgeon who recommended exploratory surgery. It was during that prodcedure that the man’s healthy left lung was removed. <br /> “It was definitely an unfortunate outcome,” said Burl Medford, a spokesman for Bezoar County Hospital. “The doctors tell me you never know what you’re going to find in there, and this time they were just fooled.” <br /> In light of the gaffe, Medford said the hospital would consider removing all of the unneccessary charges from the man’s bill. <br />

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Tuesday, 11-20-07

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Monday, 11-12-07

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Monday, 11-5-07

PHILTRUM, PA - A local man who publicly questioned the fitness of President Bush Jr. and his advisers to run the country has been stoned to death.

Peter Murtaugh, 27, was overheard in a neighborhood pharmacy suggesting that policies and actions of the Bush Jr. administration may have harmed the country, rather than making America stronger, as all right-thinking people believe. The owner of the business immediately locked Murtaugh in the building and called the local police, who rounded up a vigilante force and later assisted the mob in dragging the man into the middle of Main Street , where he was pummeled with large rocks and chunks of macadam.

“We did what we had to do to protect our democracy,” one of the policemen said. He declined to give his name on the grounds that it was his right to kill any journalist who so much as looked at him the wrong way. 

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Saturday, 10-27-07

WAYWARD STEPCHILD, MN - Plans to name a new civic center in honor of the memory of a beloved local schoolteacher went awry when it was discovered that the man is still alive and living as a homeless person under a bridge at the edge of town.

The Arno Murtaugh Memorial Events Facility was scheduled to open with a naming ceremony some time next week. But Murtaugh saw a notice about the event in a newspaper he was using as a blanket and contacted the event organizers to request an invitation.

“I don’t blame them for being surprised I’m not dead. It’s been pretty hard to stay alive, especially the last few years,” Murtaugh told Filler’s in an interview at his culvert.

Kathy Basser, the executive director for the facility, denied reports that she and her colleagues were disappointed to learn that Murtaugh was still living. “Absolutely not,” she said. “At the same time, I can’t deny that scrambling to find funds to alter our signage has been a major inconvenience. And, needless to say, while our hearts go out to Mr. Murtaugh, we can’t just help every bum who walks in off the street.”

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Tuesday, 10-9-07

LEAKY BUCKET, ID - The town council here unanimously passed an ordinance that would make it a crime for anyone to employee an illegal immigrant.

“This is a great day for Leaky Bucket,” said Mayor Stanley McCrod. “No longer will our children see coveted jobs in the laundering and janitorial industries go to lazy foreigners who are just here to take advantage of our generous social welfare system .”

Mayor McCrod said the ordinance will take effect as soon as Ignacio is finished tiling his new bathroom.

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