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Sunday, 9-30-07

PULPY ROOT, IA - The family of a local man is suing a large health insurance company, charging that the company’s unquestioning acceptance of the man’s large health claim caused him to suffer a fatal heart attack.
Everett Bettits, 67, had recently been discharged from Antsy County Health Center following a two-week hospitalization due to a severe bout of shingles. He submitted his hospital bill, which his family says exceeded $30,000, to Mutual Assured Damage Corporation, the administrator of his retirement health plan. Approximately 10 days later, he received a check for 80% of the total amount, exactly what he seemed to be owed under the stated terms of the policy.
“He opened the envelope expecting a letter saying they were going to have to investigate the claim,” Bettis’s widow, Marva, said tearfully. “When he saw the check, he just fell out. It’s not right. Someone’s got to put a stop to it.”

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Monday, 9-17-07

CREAMY CENTER, GA - Axel, an African Grey parrot who was responsible for pet store owners around the world posting signs that said, “Please keep fingers out of parrot’s cage,” has died. He was believed to be around 35-years-old.
A particularly ill-tempered bird, Axel was the proximate cause of numerous lawsuits filed by pet store customers whose fingers had been shredded by the bird’s sharp, powerful beak. Axel was sold from pet store owner to pet store owner when his violent tendencies rendered him virtually unsellable.
“His stock greeting made it even worse,” according to one of Axel’s previous owners, a pet store proprietor who asked to remain anonymous. “Anytime someone would get close to his cage it was always, ‘Awk! Let me pull your finger! Let me pull your finger!’ I think that rankled people even more than the surgeries and the rehab.”

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Monday, 9-10-07

TUFFETSIT, NE - A local man who had a steel rod driven through his skull by a tornado is defying his doctor’s advice to have the object removed, because he wants to display the foreign object as body art.

Lanny Baskin was brought into Mulesmilk County Hospital by ambulance complaining of a severe headache following a large thunderstorm during which several tornadoes touched down. Doctors quickly identified the source of Mr. Baskin’s pain: a 16-inch-long stainless steel rod about one quarter inch in diameter, one end of which was protruding approximately three inches from the middle of his forehead, with the other end protruding about the same distance from the back of his head.

Surgeons prepped quickly to remove the rod, but Baskin, who never lost consciousness, refused to sign a release authorizing the procedure, deciding instead to let the wounds heel around the shiny steel protrusions.

“We feel Mr. Baskin is lucky to be alive,” said Marvel Sprinkles, a spokesperson for the hospital. “It’s fortunate that the rod missed some of the more critical areas of his brain, but we feel that leaving the ends sticking out of his head will expose Mr. Baskin to risk of further injury.”

“Dude, no way are they pulling out my rod,” Mr. Baskin said several days ago. “Once I adjusted to the pain, I just thought it looked so cool. Plus, it really sets off the plate in my lip. Dude, if anything, I may have the ends sculpted and the points sharpened.”

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Saturday, 9-1-07

MURKY DEPTHS, AZ - Residents of this unincorporated area have passed a referendum declaring themselves a duchy.

The measure, which was first discussed several years ago, stipulates that a duke and duchess will rule over Murky Depths with absolute dominion. Widespread dissatisfaction with the state government lead to the move, according to some of its leading proponents.

“Did we get a new high school football stadium back in ‘05? No, we did not,” said Rick Hunfrey, executive director of Let’s Turn Murky Depths into a Duchy for Real, Y’all. “Well, now we can build ten stadiums if we want, provided we can get the money somewheres.”

Aside from funding, Hunfrey said only a few small details, such as supplying mounts and armor for a vanguard of loyal knights and determining who among the locals has been imbued with the Divine Right, remain to be worked out. 

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Saturday, 8-25-07

MULENAD, UT - The United States Department of Mine Health and Safety has refused to re-certify a feldspar mine here until working conditions can be lowered to acceptable standards.

Kara Parker, a spokesperson for the agency, said the Murtaugh Feldspar Extraction Co. had six months to comply or the mine would be decommissioned.

“The way things are going at this mine,” Parker said, “there might never be a catastrophe that would allow the leaders of our agency to show their grave concern for miner safety on live television.”

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Sunday, 8-12-07

ERRANT MEMBER, OK - A cat, once believed to be the world’s oldest, has died, Filler’s has learned.

Johnny, a mixed-breed tabby owned by Karen and Robert Jenks, received some notoriety several years ago when a Filler’s story stating that he was 34-years-old was picked up by news outlets around the world. Subsequent investigations by numerous other journalists disproved the story and revealed that Johnny was somewhere between five- and seven-years-old. Those reports led to the dismissals of a Filler’s correspondent and senior editor, both of whom went into advertising.

The cause of death was not determined at press time.

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Sunday, 8-5-07

FORT BOYLES, WI - Thousands lined up here this week to get a glimpse of a frozen hot pocket that appeared to portray the image of TV personality Rosie O’Donnell in its crust. The phenomenon has led some to petition the Vatican for O’Donnell’s sainthood, while others who viewed the celebrated snack food left unimpressed. “To me, it looked more like Oprah,” said one, who wished to remain anonymous. “But then again, it’d been sitting out for a few days by the time I saw it.”

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